Ashamed?

My mom always tells others about my T1D and she would gladly explain to her friends about what T1D is and how her daughter is different from another diabetes, T2D. I used to dislike the act of my mom telling others, especially to her new friends about my T1D impromptuly. Whenever their chatting topic goes on about their respective children, my mom will eventually pull the topic to talk about me and talk about my T1D. Anyway, my mom certainly does a better job in explaining about the differences between T1D and T2D than some of the nurses in hospital. 

Honestly, I really don't like the way my mom's friends look at me after they found out the whole story about me having diabetes. Sometimes if I were to meet them again, they will look at me one kind and ask in an odd way: "How are you? 你现在过得好没有啊？" I know from the looks in their eyes, actually what they wanted to ask is "How is your T1D doing now?" "So, are you still doing the injection thing?". When I told them that I am doing good and I am still doing all the injections every day, they will againnnn give me those puppy eyes as if I am very miserable. (I am just unlucky, hmmm also lucky for the availability of insulin and devices nowadays)

I understand the reason behind my mom's action. She doesn't want me to feel ashamed of myself being diagnosed with diabetes and I realised how much she wanted others to understand my condition which is very much different from eating pills and getting cure. 

Diabetes is not something that I should be hiding, and of course I should not feel ashamed of it. It is a part of my life, why should I be ashamed of it? I wish I can reach out to more and more T1D in Malaysia, and tell them that they're not alone, a Big proportion of us exists in the DOC (Diabetes Online Community), always there for support! Reading diabetes blogs and sharing my stories in my blog make me feel less "alien". My story is a norm in all the T1D's eyes, and it really comforts me a lots. I feel so much better when I know that my story is not odd and what I encountered is reassured by other T1D's stories. 

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I am a person with strong need for reassurance of worth. I always ask for people's opinion about me when I was small. I always wanted people around me to reassure that I am good, and how I can do better. The need for reassurance of worth, especially from the closed one is so crucial for me. I know I am not ashamed of being diagnosed with T1D. However, sometimes I take in others' opinion too much, I take them to heart. 

My brother asked me the other day: Why don't you start eating candy or drinking regular coke right away when you realise that you're not feeling right and starting to lose focus while in the restaurant?

I told him that it's because I don't want to be viewed as a bad diabetic that drinks regular coke or eats candy right after a meal. I hate that I am looking so helpless in front of my friends. 

Then my brother asked again: After all these years, are you still feeling ashamed of being a diabetic? What's wrong with drinking regular coke or eating candy after a meal? You need to get your sugar up, that's it. 

I just silenced and shook my head: No, I am not ashamed of T1D. I am not. It's just that I don't like to be viewed as a vulnerable person because I have diabetes. This kind of ego causes me to end up in an even more embarrassed moment, which is banging a person's car. 

I am not ashamed of having diabetes. Just don't want to look too helpless when I actually need help. (omg why such complicated feelings?)

A battle of angel and demon in my head when I am hypo *sighed